Thursday, March 6, 2014
Friday, February 28, 2014
|Range:||8.27 - 9.30|
Bid: 8.40 Ask: 8.41 Size: 2 x 2
Posted by mike pickens at Friday, February 28, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Truth, Authenticity, Spontaneity, Service, Living in the Present & being Spiritually Fit are important to me today.
I have no time for dishonesty, delusion, invented or dreamt up internet created personas, treatable yet ignored mental illness, lack of integrity and/or personal accountability.
I've wasted too many decades with no purpose in life, other than that of me getting for me whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it.
Self will run riot is not a valid inheritance.
I was taught to be my own God of judgment, while knowing absolutely nothing about anything, including myself.
I am getting better at life. I have come a long way in just 7 1/2 years, and I have a long way to go.
I've found that the longer I'm on this road, the narrower it becomes.
This work will never come to an end.
Posted by mike pickens at Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Friday, February 21, 2014
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
I've seen this happen with each & every mental health professional that's gotten a little too close. Great effort is made to paint a picture that covers up anything that may have been said, recounted or revealed in therapy.
It must be an extremely convincing act.
There's been a consistent pattern & method of mental/emotional abuse since I was a child. I'd never been able to put it all together before Alina because I'd always blamed myself and it was so confusing.
When I first saw the behavior, sober & enlightened, after Alina, it was totally unexpected, as it had been 20+ years since I'd put myself in a position for it to happen, and because I was unaware I was being set-up, I thought things were OK, not at all rewarding or anything approaching truth, just OK.
I'd made numerous attempts at "real", expressing my feelings several times, looking for a spiritual connection with this guy, but it was not gonna happen, as he has no clue who he is, along with having absolutely zero interest in truth.
Here's how it shows up, maybe you can relate:
He gets 5 or 6 pieces of information on me, i.e., I told my sister the driving range was close enough to work that I could hit a bucket of balls during my lunch hour. So, she tells him this & then he confronts me with it, after changing it to this: "I heard you've been playing golf two days a week instead of going to work."
He's got 5 more of these, and he goes right down the list. None of these silly "complaints" have anything to do with our relationship, it's information he's gathered and then embellished, ridiculously, knowing it will possibly infuriate me, as it did when I was a child – same abusive methodology, different decade.
Of course, unless I'm the Dalai Lama, I get defensive and the dance is on. The exchange is juvenile, name calling, etc., with him coming to a Godly, Soothsayer-like conclusion, prophesying a horrible ending for me, always financial, because I believe, that is his greatest fear - no money.
When I was a kid, it ended up with me in his closet getting whipped with a belt. None of my siblings have ever experienced my experience. He has his own tailored method for each of us, and I believe, everyone in his life, to exert this false, dishonest power over others.
Makes one wonder what those three old women did to him to make him feel so very little.
The ranch foreman and the wildlife manager both told me they suspected he had the place bugged, but that's not it, what they don't understand is that everyone on his payroll is just like my sister Pam - observing and reporting, 24/7, gossiping with him about mutual acquaintances, all day long every day of the week, month after month, year after year.
Of course, the purpose is to scare, overpower, control, etc., but for there to be a different method for each person is something to be noted. It prohibits the comparing of notes and complicates efforts to out him by people not on the payroll, like me.
Like you, I believe he needs me to fail. If I succeed, his godlike view of himself is whittled down a little, just a little, because this guy has set his world up with many, many people in it for one purpose, he never runs out of scapegoats.
I bet if you looked closer, you'd see that your situation is very similar, everyone is being abused, especially if they're on the payroll, however small the check may be. You may be one of the most abused but no one is exempt, not even if they're dead.
Damn, that's insightful. Amazing what 5 years clean & sober can reveal. I totally relate. My old man constantly put me down and tried to convince me I was stupid even though I was single-handedly running his company. My brother was the "smart one." I finally realized I was a hell of a lot smarter and a hell of a lot more capable. My shrink used to tell me my father was in competition with me and had to use his influence, scare tactics, and $ to keep me in my place. I thought she was nuts. She's right, of course. I just got back to Charleston, but I'll check back with you. Great to be in touch.
Sent from my iPhone
Posted by mike pickens at Wednesday, February 19, 2014